Wanted! More Emoticons

I had an avoidable experience recently where a sarcastic comment I made in a chat session was misinterpreted. Not the end of the world, but it did cause some friction that had to eventually be resolved by a painfully lengthy explanation. There are people who just don’t get sarcasm (corporate America seems to be full of them), but I don’t think I was dealing with someone like that. This was just a case of vital information being lost because text based chats can’t convey what the human voice and facial expressions can.

Part of the problem stems from my reluctance to use emoticons to accompany sarcasm. I’m not entirely averse to emoticon use, there are occasions where I think they’re quite useful, for example:

• My dog died of rabies :-(
• But, he bit my ex-girlfriend before he died :-)
• Don't know where he got that idea ;-)

I think the thrust of my argument is that emoticons are aptly named – they are icons (derived from facial expressions) that are used to represent emotions. This is where sarcasm falls through the cracks. Sarcasm is hardly an emotion, one could argue that it’s usually the result of a certain state of mind, but I’d find that state of mind and associated facial expression (if there is one) hard to describe, let alone represent in ASCII. Besides, for sarcasm to work it needs to be subtle, and emoticons are explicit by definition. Emoticons are therefore, in my opinion, the ultimate sarcasm killers.

In addition to the risk of killing the sarcasm, I often worry if I’m not being a little patronizing by accompanying my comment with the appropriate emoticon. I liken it to the “Applause” sign that some TV shows used for studio audiences in the past. Would the other person be thinking “Yeah dude, I know your ass didn't ACTUALLY fall off.."?

Allow me to illustrate the principle with an example. Say your friend just put up a new picture of himself on his law-firm’s web-site and is naively soliciting your opinion on it. And say you’re like me and feel almost obligated to say something disparaging and juvenile in response. Consider the following options:

So, what did you think of my new picture?

• Don’t you have one from before The Accident?
• Don’t you have one from before The Accident? ;-)
• Don’t you have one from before The Accident? Just Kidding.
• Don’t you have one from before The Accident? Just Kidding ;-)

I like the first option the best, the second works, but is less effective. I think Option 3 and Option 4 are both lame and patronizing, albeit very clear. The idea is to elicit one of these reactions:

• Yeah whatever…
• Grow up…
• Why do I bother…?

The kind of response we’re trying to avoid is:

• What accident? I’ve never had an accident.

You want to avoid the several keystrokes it’d take to explain that you know that in fact, there has been no accident, and that you were merely making a joke at his expense by implying that the only reasonable conclusion one could draw from the picture was that events in his recent past also included a badly disfiguring accident.

I think the world is in dire need of an emoticon for sarcasm. Something that’s subtle yet screams disdain. My friend Vaas has some skill at crafting emoticons, let’s hope he finds himself with some spare time on his hands soon, lest the internet lose the gift of sarcasm forever.

In my next post, I’ll discuss why I believe its important for service providers to overcome their reluctance to employ effective route aggregation mechanisms so as to prevent the explosion of /32s in the internet’s BGP and routing tables, especially considering the burgeoning numbers of Broadband and Dial up users worldwide. Just kidding ;-)

What a relief... umm start I mean

So far, so not too bad. When you spend 103 Million on someone who hasn't started a Major League game, you should consider growing a few more fingers so you can cross 'em.

Matsuzaka is not bad, for starters

Why National Treasure isn’t such a bad movie – Part II

I think we can all agree that a good caper movie has the following elements (these are neither necessary nor sufficient):

1. A protagonist or a group of protagonists. If there’s a group of protagonists, each should have a specialty. It’s acceptable for the protagonists to be on the wrong side of the law as long as they are basically good and their crimes are victimless (or if their victims are evil).
2. A very expensive/important artifact or a very large sum of money
3. An overly elaborate set of theft preventive mechanisms that are almost impenetrable (emphasis on almost). These may or may not include lasers, motion detectors and biometric devices (fingerprint readers, retinal scans etc).
4. A plot that involves (1) trying to steal (2) by penetrating (3).
5. A happy ending that involves (1) successfully stealing (2) by penetrating (3).
6. Bonus points for a good double cross or triple cross, too many crosses are dangerous, as the audience doesn’t (basically I don’t) like feeling like its (I’m) being messed with. The crosses should still honor the happy ending clause; the good guys should get the money.

Since my simple mind grasps a concept most easily when presented with examples, I’m including a list of what I think are Caper Movies (in no specific order):

• Oceans Eleven (Cool)
• Oceans Twelve (Uber Cool)
• The Italian Job
• National Treasure
• Mission Impossible I
• Office Space (Not a conventional caper movie, but I’m always looking for an opportunity to bring it up)
• Mystery Men (Ok so that’s not a caper movie at all, but I f*cking love that movie)

While National Treasure isn’t an out and out Caper Movie, I think it stakes a reasonable claim to being on the list; the theft of the Declaration of Independence appears to satisfy criteria (1) through (5). In the next installment, I’ll discuss Treasure Hunt movies.

Toronto, Ontario

I visited our friendly neighbors to the north last weekend. The goals of the trip involved returning to the US, flipping through riveting in-flight magazines, hanging out with Vaas, reading bi-lingual signs, and seeing for myself if there was any truth to the rumor that Canada was building a large (but friendly) robot army for world domination.


[I will lurk by the water cooler at work. I will then spring on unsuspecting co-workers and start conversations about Niagara Falls where I will invariably point out that the view from the Canadian side is way better.]


[I will also be starting conversations about tall buildings and steering them expertly towards the CN Tower. On a side note, this shot is taken from across the Village Idiot Pub, one of many that traded my US Dollars (I think 1 US$ is like 250 Canadian) for large amounts of alcohol. I'd like to think that I showed the Canadians that St. Patrick's Day wasn't so much a day as it was a lifestyle.]

There's No Accounting For Taste

The other day, someone asked me what kind of music I listened to, and I found myself struggling for an answer. In fact, I think my exact words were:

"...umm....rock...stuff..."

I'm worried that I sounded quite daft. Ordinarily, sounding daft isn't something that'd worry me unduly, but this instance was a little different in that I consider myself reasonably discerning when it comes to listening to music. What makes it worse is that I'm the sort of person who's likely to judge someone adversely if I didn't think they were the discerning type. When meeting someone socially, particularly on first encounters, I try not to make any value judgments on someone’s tastes. What I consider fair game, however, is judging someone on whether they have tastes, be it a taste in books, movies or sub Saharan habitats. Having an opinion on why The Hills is more watchable than Laguna Beach is a plus in my book (I honestly think it is). This is somewhat analogous to a tech interviewer looking for a demonstrable ability to tackle problems even if not the exact solution to a complicated problem.

Returning to the subject of my taste in music, I assure you that I do have one, and the primary purpose of this post is to make this known on the internet. The hard part was figuring out what I liked, though I found iTunes quite helpful in this regard (thank you Steve Jobs!). It has an automatically generated playlist titled "Top 25 Played" (which my car’s iPod interface stubbornly ignores, but I wont belabor the point) that seemed well suited to tell me what I was listening to. I started with that list, made a few modifications and arrived at something that I believe accurately reflects my current taste in music. I’m reproducing the list below with some annotations; do resist the urge to make value judgments. Instead, try and simply be impressed by the fact that I’m interested in coming across as discerning. Besides, if you don’t like these songs, you’re taste is WRONG.

[Song – Artist – Album]

Fix You - Coldplay - X & Y

Who Made Who - AC/DC - Who Made Who

[If I was ever forced at gun point to introduce someone to AC/DC, this is the song I’d choose. I think it typifies their uncomplicated brand of Rock and Roll. A bit of trivia on the album - It was the soundtrack to a Stephen King slasher flick called “Maximum Overdrive”]

Every Day Is Exactly The Same - Nine Inch Nails - With Teeth

Easy - Barenaked Ladies - Barenaked Ladies Are Me

["This is 92.5 and that was the latest from Barenaked Ladies"]

Rearview Mirror – Pearl Jam – Versus

See The World - Gomez – How We Operate

[I think I bought the whole album (from iTunes) song by song. I really need to be more efficient about these things.]

King of Pain – Police – Synchronicity

Cells – The Servant – The Servant

[Ever wonder what that cool song in the trailer of Sin City was? Well, I did. The lyrics are a little creepy, you’ll relate if you were ever a gamer.]

High and Dry – Radiohead – The Bends

Ghost Rider – Rush – Vapor Trails

[The long awaited post-Neil-Peart-double-tragedy-hiatus album was widely panned by critics and fans alike. I loved it, a wall of noise comprising of several layers of rich sound. Peart’s stick work was sterling as usual, though his lyrics didn’t quite deliver for me, I expected nothing less than stirring poetry in every song. To those who think that Alex Lifeson was underutilized – grow up, guitar solos are soo 80s.]

Ghoom Tana – Junoon – Deewar

[This album was widely panned by critics and fans as well; in this case I hold the majority view. If the album has any redeeming features, this song should count as one of them. I wish Junoon would re-unite and bring us more groundbreaking sounds though. The world needs more trios, I just think they sound tighter than larger bands]

Glorified G – Pearl Jam – Versus

[Versus is my favorite Pearl Jam album.]

Black Balloon – Goo Goo Dolls – Dizzy up the Girl

[I think the Goo Goo Dolls are a very listenable band. Too listenable. I think I’d have liked them more if they hade an edgier sound]

In Too Deep – Sum 41 – All Killer No Filler

[Yes, I own this album, and I like Sum 41. And I don’t care who knows it.]

Cosmic Castaway – Electrasy – Titan A.E Soundtrack

[ITunes has been a friend and a foe. I rarely buy whole albums these days since I can pick and choose the songs I want. The flip side of course is that of I don’t discover as many hidden gems as I used to. To me that’s an acceptable trade-off considering I don’t have nearly as much spare time as I used to]

I think I’ll end the list there, Umm Rock Stuff doesn’t seem too far off the mark actually. Now I just need to re-word that to something that sounds a little less daft, transcribe it onto a flash card, and carry it with me everywhere so I can read from it when the need arises.

Why National Treasure isn’t such a bad movie – Part I

I was having a few drinks with some acquaintances last weekend when I happened to mention that I’d watched National Treasure over 10 times. I’m not sure exactly what preceded that confession (thats what it was in this setting); I think someone was droning on about how the Godfather was the greatest movie ever, and someone else mentioned that Nicholas Cage was Francis Ford Cupola’s nephew, and of course Cage and John Travolta were in Face Off, and Travolta and Samuel L Jackson were in Pulp Fiction, and Jackson and Kevin Bacon rented an apartment together while they were in the Peace Corps in Sierra Leone….

So anyways, I was surprised at the amount of ridicule I drew when I steered the conversation over that deadly cliff. Someone actually suggested (in all seriousness wearing a very sympathetic look) that I seemed like such a smart guy. I suppose in retrospect I’m not that surprised, because I was clearly dealing with a group who were firmly convinced that time spent watching a movie that wasn’t the director’s cut of Godfather was time that could be better spent watching the director’s cut of Godfather. Re-watching the directors cut several times, back to back would be considered an acceptable way of spending a weekend. Now, before I go off and join one of the many support groups for People Who Regularly Mention The Godfather And National Treasure In The Same Breath, I’d like a moment or two to plead my case.

I’ve hinted in an earlier post that my simple mind processes movies better once they’re classified into genres. I contend that National Treasure combines two of films greatest genres – Caper Movies and Treasure Hunts. The two do share elements but have enough differences to warrant their own genres. More on caper movies and why I think National Treasure is a passable one in the next installment of this series.

Blood Diamond

I found that explaining the reasoning behind "Hello World" has done little to dispel my malaise. I think I've discovered what was bothering me. I'm pretty sure it’s this story about the Kohinoor I came across on rediff:

India stakes claim over Koh-i-Noor

There’s something about 108-carat accursed diamonds with a long history of blood and betrayal that captivates the imagination. Actually, I didn't really research the “accursed" bit (or any other bit for that matter) but I vaguely recall there being something about a curse. Anyway, if it isn't cursed it really should be. If I was the sort of person who made lists of things to put curses on, the Kohinoor would be right up there, somewhere between Britney Spears and Paris Hilton (on a list that is).

So why do the Indians want it back? Does anybody really care? While I’m usually one to take the view that issues like this being discussed in parliament are indicative of more government waste and triumphs of populism over sound policy making, I think that the timing of this particular debate is quite interesting. One could (and more than one probably have) make the argument that the return of the stone (actually stones now) would mean a lot more than simply the return of several million dollars worth of ex-solitaire.

British colonialists in India are said to have systematically destroyed any attempt at industry so as to provide a ready market for the rapidly expanding British Industry during the industrial revolution. This is believed to have lead to massive un-employment, a lopsided trade balance with a large import bill and negligible exports, resulting in several decades of minuscule GDP growth. When viewed in a certain light, it could be perceived that the modern day is showing a reversal in these trends. The Indian GDP grows at a rate upwards of 8%, the (albeit already developed) UK economy grows at closer to 2%. The outsourcing boom creates jobs in India, while certain corners of the industry claim that it creates unemployment in the UK. In fiscal 2005-06 India clocked a 25% increase in exports to stand at over $100 Billion. Is the return of the Kohinoor then symbolic of a shift in global economics? I don’t know.

Seriously. I really don't know what all that financial stuff means. Just give it back or I’ll tell.

Into the Burning Crusade

Blizzard's done it again, I renewed my WoW subscription after a year long hiatus. I'm admitting this publicly because this sort of thing seems fairly mainstream now. My decision to take the plunge was based largely on the assumption that the 8 million other subscribers couldn't have all gotten it wrong.

Upon re-entry, my initially high spirits were slightly dampened by the dawning reality of a thread bare inventory and depleted treasury. In a past life, I was a wealthy man who had grown accustomed to a lifestyle that was prone to certain excesses. I see no other recourse but to write Amit J a letter asking for a small loan. This is the first draft:

Greetings Old Friend,

I have been roused from my long slumber by visions of Azeroth in great peril. We must act quickly if we are to prevail. What was once unlearned must be relearned, bonds once sundered, reforged. You must unite with me by blood and by breath to protect the light.

And while you're at it can you like lend me 5 bucks?

These fucking gryphons are expensive... Its those damn democrats and their unions. I just need to catch a gryphon to some place where I can kill things and make money. It's a good thing I can conjure my own food and water. I'd beg outside the AH but thats really not how I was raised. Anyways, can't wait to put the Burn back in Burning Crusade.

Your friend in dark times,
DD

PS - I promise I wont spend it all on hookers.

Whats In A Name?

I slept fitfully last night and woke with a vague sense of dissatisfaction. I haven't been able to quite put my finger on it's source, but I'm wondering if I might feel better if I explained to my imaginary readership the reasoning behind the title of my blog. I am a programmer by profession and this is my first blog. I hope it all makes perfect sense now.

[Editor's Note - It's a widely acknowledged fact that any self respecting programmer must title his first attempt at anything "Hello World". Besides, its friendly, simple, and unlikely to offend any religious or ethnic groups. I think its reasonably safe to assume that "Hello World" isn't the moral equivalent of a particularly nasty "Yo Mamma..." in some sub-saharan culture]

Here's an interesting link that’s related, be sure to checkout the Hello World program in Brainf*ck (Yes really - There’s a language called Brainf*ck, and the code snippet suggests its aptly named):

The ACM Hello World Project

Also checkout codeworks, I used to know a guy who talked like that.

Tuesday Morning

I have a recurring dream of a beautiful long limbed woman (I think she's Brazilian) being nuzzled awake a little before noon by a puppy. She pats it absentmindedly as she rises from bed. She then usually strolls across the room to throw open the large French windows to let in a gentle breeze from a yawning blue ocean. She stretches contentedly and yawns back at the ocean without scarcely acknowledging the benevolent sun thats worked extra hard at his rainbow today. Her whole demeanor has a decidedly "Yeah whatever" feel to it.

If asked to find something to occupy the diametrically opposite position on the metaphorical wheel of things to wake up to, Nashua NH will throw up enough candidates in an average January fortnight to boggle even the most decisive mind.

Chargers Schmargers

How great is Brady? Passer Ratings need to be modified to account for 2 minute drills. I totally predicted this.

The Inside Man

I watched this on DVD recently, not a life altering experience, but I don’t want those 2 odd hours back either. If you haven't seen it and are toying with the idea of queuing it, the following may or may not help.

I like classifying things; it gives my life that little bit of structure from which I draw some comfort. It also lessens the burden on my simple mind since I can do less thinking and fill in gaps by simply making assumptions based on the broader genre. Things are just easier that way, for example, if someone asked me what I thought of Dumas' Count of Monte Cristo, I'd say "Ah. Good Prison Escape Book. Next."

I haven’t been able to make up my mind on whether this is a hostage-standoff movie or a caper movie, the latter being one of my all time favorite genres. The former genre I actively avoid* along with reality TV and whatever genre that WB (or is it UPMX3.1428 now?) show, Seventh Heaven belongs to. Anyway, The Inside Man seems to find some sort of happy medium that may appeal to fans of both genres (the people who like feel-good movies, and the Muggles). It’ll also appeal to people who like well crafted films (There. If you don’t like it, you like suckily crafted films). I see no reason not to recommend this as a rental for a snowy weekend, so without further ado, let me do just that – Clever plot, sharp dialogue, and an A-Rate cast under the supervision of an extremely talented film-maker.

[* this is different from mere passive avoidance. To actively avoid something you must first go find it and then avoid it completely]

Happy New Year Yawl

I'm nursing an absolutely horrid hangover. This hangover is one of great depth and has many facets, and is therefore hard to describe. But I’m going to try.

Picture an enormous Sumo wrestler who is also a giant gong* player in his spare time. Let’s call him Bob. Bob has lost a bet, the terms of which specify that the loser must bang repeatedly on a giant gong with all his might till the end of time. Imagine that Bob and his giant gong have somehow been miniaturized and placed in an acoustically friendly location in your skull. They have also magically retained all the strength and vitality of their giant selves. Now multiply the sensation caused by the ensuing gong pounding by a hundred and you begin to get the gist of it.

I wish I'd taken one of those charcoal pill things. This is one of the many times that I wish I was like Bertie Wooster, and I had a Jeeveslike manservant to concoct his miracle hangover cure** to summon me back to the land of the living. I think I had at least a couple of things happen to me last night that I recall thinking at the time would make good “anec-dotes”. What little I recall of these events, Bob and his giant gong pounding keep me from elaborating on. Also, is it just me, or is the sun being a bit of a d*ck today? Oh no, I think Bob stubbed his toe on something. Its best I slithered back to bed now.

* A gong that’s considerably larger than the average gong, the sort of gong a Sumo wrestler would play in his spare time (think 80’s martial arts movie).
** "In a small tumbler, drop, without breaking, one yolk of egg, two spoonfuls of Worcestershire sauce, two dashes of Tabasco, a pinch of salt, a pinch of pepper, one teaspoonful of malt vinegar"

The Gem

Amit J recently drew my attention to a cinematic masterpiece - The Hitman, starring Chuck Norris. I had the good fortune of chatting with him while he was viewing this gem over (what was presumably) a bottle of whiskey purloined from his father's liquor cabinet. Not exactly what you'd consider the makings of top drawer director's commentary, but it did seem eminently bloggable.

......

Amit J: Hmm, Chuck Norris's character is not the hardened criminal hitman that I initially thought he was

Me: That tough exterior belies a softer core?

Amit J: This director is a genius

......

Amit J: This plot is very confusing

Me: Chuck Norris movies tend to be

Amit J: You must queue* this movie immediately -- if its available commercially

[Yes - it is]

.....

Amit J: Chuck Norris is dispatching a villain with deadly efficiency
said villain has friends -- very unfortunate ones from how this scene is panning out.

Me: Yes I dont expect this to end well for them

Amit J: Ha- How you guessed this I will never know -- I thought Chuck was in a quandary when they jumped out from the bushes (really, there were bushes)

[The bushes I suspect were of the proverbial variety, a directorial masterstroke by any standards]

Me: This sounds too good to miss, i will queue it right away

......

Amit J: And now he is in an unoccupied Italian restaurant confronting the mobster boss who's eating some sort of spaghetti. Norris slaps the standing consigliere with disdain.

Amit J: I wish I had paid more attention to this movie, alas.

Me: The mobster boss eating spaghetti is an elegant touch.

Amit J: Quite original and symbolic I think

Me: And it has that understated elegance

Amit J: Right -- and I think they went with no soundtrack in order to place the viewer in the reality of the situation

[There is a school of thought that this was more because the director snorted away a large part of the tiny sound budget, but members of this school are largely in the minority]

Amit J: A classic

Me: Quite so

.......

Now tell me you don't want to watch this.

* as in rent; a Netflix reference, for the woefully uninformed